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(July 08, 2011, 11:08 a.m.)

This is not me.
I'm trying to figure out where this came from, what happened to the "take it or leave it" girl?
My anxiety has been fucking with me lately. Steming from insecurity. Making my mind go places that I really don't want it to go. I'm ashamed of the way I've been acting and thinking lately as a result. I want to make a change like the flip of the switch but it's taking me some time and some days are better than others. I am thinking of going back to counseling. I've been referencing books that have helped me in this past except this time there is no great big revelation or epiphany just silent agreement, because I've been here before, and I know the answer well, maybe not "the answer" but I know solutions. I know my self-esteem is low, I know it is sabotaging my peace of mind and making matters of the heart stressful and it shouldn't be like that. I know where my insecurity/low self esteem stems from a combination of gaining weight, not enjoying my work, and mystery in my relationship which has pretty much been solved. So what can I do to move forward? 1-lose the weight I gained back (I think the part that makes me feel even worse is that I had already lost the weight and I let it come back, very disappointed in myself for that) 2-find a job that I enjoy (see previous entry) or learn to enjoy the one I have. I know I can spend more time figuring out my position on this job, my likes and dislikes and where I want to go from here. This has been a huge source of anxiety for me, that feeling of really not wanting to go to work, counting the hours until I can leave. I've been blessed to not feel that in my prior position which almost makes me want to go back but I need to move forward. And 3-get over it! We've talked about it 2 or 3 times. I need to either ask my last questions or kill those last lingering thoughts and move forward. I need to LET GO. And I want to say easier said than done but I think it may be a little more complex than that. It was something in my head for quite sometime (the insecurity and questions appear to have been brewing) and i want to say 3 months or so ago we talked about it. The issue was addressed. Not much changed. Which led me to believe that what was spoken about wasn't really the issue, my mind began to wonder more and more, to fill in the gaps with non-sense and irrationality, insecurity and jealousy and questions, always questions. So we talked about it again and I felt better afterwards but not completely because as I began to process that more and more questions arose and that was 2 or 3 weeks ago and while things are getting better I'm still working on moving forward, still trying to let go, trying not to ask so many questions & kill it. Those few lingering questions coupled with my PMS induced anxiety and depression led me to freak out about something that shouldn't have been a big deal. An amicable relationship with an ex should not cause me to do this but the insecurity and months of months of questions building up brought forth old insecurities and it was ugly. Not ugly ugly but the ugliest acting out/pang of insecurity I had let anyone see in a long time. And after we talked about it 1, he apologized because he felt like it was his fault I felt that way and 2, now I feel like an ass. I don't want to be that girl, I'm not that girl anymore am I? That's like high school! Well, that was a week ago and I'm still reeling from it. Feel bad that I reacted that way and I apologized but I think I'm beating myself up because I really thought I was better than that, different. The disappointment in myself.
Now something that adds to this is the insecurity I guess I brought with me from my last relationship. My fear of there being someone else. I wonder if many women have this fear. My significant other moved out of the country after 2 months of us dating and I always wondered. That distance made it hard, there were constant questions, after a few months I went digging and found something, he said it was a joke, but I was crushed I felt gross, betrayed, stupid he was carrying on with a "friend" in a really, in a way you should only carry on with lovers. So that was that. But it was like the 1 fear I had in my relationship came true and was validated, there was something, although it may have been a one time thing, I'm not really sure. I came into this relationship with that missing trust. I'm still trying to move forward with that which may be why this is so hard from me now.

I know that I need to get over it, I know I need to get my health back on track and my job needs some work. I want to be open and communicate without fear. I want to not be afraid to speak my mind. I want to stop acting and thinking like and idiot and go back to being at peace and focusing on love and life and gratitude. Grateful for a wonderful family and love : ) because he really does make me happy, grateful for my home and food to eat.

Gratitude is riches - complaint is poverty - Doris Day